HUMOR: Thinful!

Not mine.  From here.

  The church was badly in need of a coat of paint. So the pastor decided he'd do the job himself. But all he had was one bucket of paint. So he got a bunch of buckets and some water, and he thinned the paint enough to cover the entire church. Then he spent all day painting. That night it rained—very hard—and washed all the paint off. The pastor was quite discouraged and asked God, 'Why...why God, did you let it rain and wash off all my hard work?'
      To which God thundered his reply, 'Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!'

HUMOR: Message from God

Not mine.  From here.

  Inspirational speaker Dr. Wayne Dyer still remembers the card his kids gave him for his 64th birthday. The front said, "Inside is a message from God."
      Pleased they finally appreciated his work, he opened it to read, "See you soon!"

HUMOR: From the mouths of babes...

Not mine.  From here.

  A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
      She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
      "NO!" the children answered.
      "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
      Again, the answer was, "NO!"
      Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
      Again, they all answered, "NO!"
      She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
      A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

HUMOR: Just asking

Not mine.  From here.

Atheist: "Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish?"
Preacher: "I don't know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I'll ask him."
Atheist: "But suppose he isn't in heaven?"
Preacher: "Then you ask him."

HUMOR: Be careful what you pray for!

Not mine.  From here.

  A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
      With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish—make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
      At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."

HUMOR: Denominations

Not mine.  From here.

  An old dollar bill and an even older $20 arrive at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
      "I've had a pretty good life," the $20 says. "I've been to Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, and even on a Caribbean cruise."
      "You did have an exciting life!" the dollar says.
      "Where have you been?" the $20 asks.
      "Oh, I've been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, spent some time with the Lutherans..."
      "Wait," the $20 interrupts. "What's a church?"

HUMOR: Little Ones

Not mine.  From here.

  A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."
      His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

HUMOR: Sibling Rivalry

Not mine.  From here.

  After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters.
      One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

HUMOR: Aces High

Not mine.  From here. 

Another Sunday School teacher said to her children, "We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a higher power. Who can tell me what it is?" Tommy blurted out, "I know, Aces."

HUMOR: Not quite the Trinity

Not mine.  From here.

Several children found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they secured a small box and some cotton batting, dug a hole in the back yard, and made ready to dispose of the deceased. The minister's 5-year-old son was chosen to say the prayer. And so with great dignity, he intoned, "Glory be to the Father...and unto the Son...and into the hole he goes."

HUMOR: Always be ready!

Not mine.  From here.

It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.
      "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him.
      "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."

HUMOR: Brothers & Sisters

Not mine.  From here.

After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters.
      One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

HUMOR: Copy and Paste

Not mine.  From here.

A pastor I know has a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he uses the Find and Replace command on his computer to replace the name of the deceased from the previous funeral with the new name.
      The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the Apostle's Creed. "Jesus Christ," the congregation read from the program, "born of the Virgin Edna..."

HUMOR: Pain in the...

Not mine.  From here.

At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
      Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
      Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

HUMOR: What makes for a good sermon?

Not mine.  From here.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.  - George Burns

HUMOR: Pray for the Food

Not mine.  From here.

Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Sunday lunch at his grandmother's house in Monkey's Eyebrow, Arizona. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Ernie received his plate he started eating straight away.

'Ernie, wait until we say grace,' demanded his father.

'I don't have to,' the five year old replied.

'Of course you do, Ernest,' his mother insisted rather forcefully. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'

'That's at our house,' Ernie explained, 'but this is Grandma's house, and she 
knows how to cook.'

HUMOR: Ewwwwwwww!

Not mine.  From here.

Marty, a little boy, was in church one Easter Sunday with his mother Doris, when he started feeling sick.

'Mummy,' he inquired, 'can we leave now?' 
'No,' his mother replied, 'the service isn't over yet.'

'Well, I think I'm about to throw up.' Marty announced. 
'Then go out of the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.' said Doris.

After about sixty seconds, Marty returned to his pew, alongside his mother.

'Did you throw up?' Marty's Mum asked quietly. 
'Yes,' Marty answered, embarrassed.

'How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?' Doris demanded.

'I didn't have to go out of the church, Mummy. They have a box next to the front door that says, "For the Sick".'

HUMOR: If "His eye is on the sparrow"...

Not mine.  From here.

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'

His son asked, 'What happened to the flea?'

HUMOR: Fund-Raising Ideas

Not mine.  From here.

One Sunday the Reverend Jones announced to his congregation, 'My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...... 
A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes
A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes
And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour.

Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.'

HUMOR: Heavenly Accommodations.

Not mine.  From here.

One Easter a pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the pastor. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true.' St Peter rejoined, 'But during your Easter sermons people slept.  When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'